Saturday, April 25, 2009

Are you there, God? It's Me, Ashley

I was raised Catholic.

I have a very strange relationship with religion...especially my own.
My family was the type of Catholic that went to church on Christmas Eve, Easter and...a random Sunday? Nothing regular.
My sisters and I have participated in religious education, and received all of the sacraments.

But, I have a really hard time getting behind everything that the Catholic Church is all about. What, with the anti-homosexual sentiments, the whole child molestation thing, and women can't be's a hard pill to swallow. I also think I have a hard time with organized religion in general.

I think I've always wanted something to believe in. I desperately want some kind of faith, and I feel like I DO need to be part of some sort of organization (sort of like a support group?) in order to actually integrate faith into my life (because I'm really lazy).

This all comes about because I am my youngest sister's Confirmation Sponsor. I'm supposed to be her religious "mentor" throughout her life. I'm not the best. But, today we had to go to church for confirmation practice, and the youth minister there was so inspiring. He's the sort of man that actually makes me want to pursue religion. He's so happy, and upbeat, and filled with love. He's wonderful.

He talked about the Holy Spirit (which, actually sounds so hokey to me), but the concept of some higher being, or God, really does appeal to me. He talked about how when he hasn't had time to nurture his relationship with God, his wife sends him on "retreats" to reconnect, and he comes back completely revived, and refreshed, and a whole different person.

In light of my recent job rejection, I feel so out of whack, and maybe this sudden urge to find religion (or faith? or spirituality?) is me (or a gentle nudge from the universe? from God?) trying to get aligned again.

In general, I feel lost. I really don't feel like I know who I am. Actually, that's too much of a sweeping statement. I know plenty about myself. But there are a lot of respects where I feel like I am fading into the background. The term "shrinking violet" comes to mind.

Maybe all of this is a sign? Maybe I'm making an ass out of myself by posting this on the interwebs for everyone and their mother to read? Maybe I just feel super desperate and trapped because I can't find another job? I don't know. You tell me.


  1. By sharing your fears and inner most thoughts you aren't making an ass of yourself!

    We all do that and that is why there are anonymous blogs :-)

  2. I am Catholic as well. I have always thought religion was an imperfect way of thinking because, at its heart, it was created by people. And people always have their own agendas.

  3. This is something that everyone struggles with at some point. I grew up Evangelical, but have found my version of inner peace in Buddhism. This doesn't mean I'm always peaceful, but if I'm practicing right thought/speech/action/etc... then I feel more peaceful then when I am just cruising through life unaware.

  4. Maybe you're not searching for God, but you're searching for a sense of belonging--for a community.

    I was raised Catholic as well...a little more hardcore than it's hard to find faith when you're used to tradition.

  5. I was not raised to be religious or spiritual at all so, naturally, I have lot of doubts, suspicions, and uncertainties. I don't agree much with any particular religion or the concept of religions itself.., however to find a common spiritual ground with a group of people would be really cool.

    I guess it's just about educating yourself and finding what makes you feel the most comfortable & what feels right to you. Whether it's in an existing religion or your own personal beliefs.

    p.s. Came across your blog via 20sb :)

  6. In Islam, we have a pillar of faith where its stated that we believe in predestination and decree. We do our part with everything but its all determined by God. For example about your job, maybe there was a good reason you did not get it and something much better will come along. You should try lookin at the whole picture. hope that helps!



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