OMFG. This struck such an insane chord with me. Screw it, here's the comment I left:
This post came into my life at the most perfect moment imaginable.
Tonight, I was on twitter, and lamenting about my lack of readership, and beating myself up over the fact that I haven’t posted since Friday and OMG HOW WILL I BECOME A FAMOUS BLOGGER IF I DON’T POST!?! While I wouldn’t MIND being a famous blogger – that’s not why I started. I started blogging as an outlet for my angsty emotions when I had my first boyfriend! I blogged my drunken adventures in college so I could keep track! I crafted open (and scathing) letters to the boy who broke up with me! I started blogging so I would have a place for ME!
But now, it seems like everyone is paid and sponsored and it starts to feel like you’re not worth your blogging salt unless you’re getting money for your words.
I felt really lost today – I’m really glad I found this.
I was on the verge of throwing in the towel. Seriously, shutting everything down. And whatever, it's not like people would miss me! And I'm not even being dramatic. My readership is peanuts - small potatoes! This blog is starting to cause me more stress than it is worth - but it's because I'm more concerned about readership, followers and Google Analytics.
I used to dream of being the next Dooce or Pioneer Woman - but HAH! I am WAY too lazy and disinterested to even think that is possible. So I've accepted it. But, I'm still stressed.
When NO ONE read my blog, except for my real life friends, I used to go through my day making mental notes to myself to tell this funny story, or how I felt about the results of a TV show - but NOW, I'm more worried about how to sound insightful, and censor myself do I don't sound like a Debbie Downer. Sometimes I'm a friggin' Debbie Downer, dude! Sometimes I'm loud and obnoxious. Most times I am lazy and tired.
Shit dude, I've even started to limit my swearing here. I SWEAR ALL THE TIME. At work, at home, in front of my grandma. I HAVE AN INCREDIBLY FOUL MOUTH, and I've started writing like a nun.
I'm not me here. And I started the blog so I would have a home for ME. Yes, I do need to be conscious of my online persona and what I say - but I want to be the type of person who is ME through and through. Online, in real life, via Gchat. I need to take steps to be who I am all the time, and to be proud of that person.
Oh Hai! This is me ^^
Mike and I had a really elaborate conversation on the way home from work today - we're not going to settle for ordinary. We have an insatiable desire to live this wonderful, beautiful and enjoyable life. Right now, we're a little lost, and we don't know how to get where we want to be. But the most important part is that we're united and we both want the same things. I'm just confused, and fighting the urge to pick up and leave (figuratively).
It's going to get better. And I feel like this blog-epiphany has really helped.