Friday, March 20, 2009

The Dark Place

I have a Dark Place.
Last year, around August - October, I was in my Dark Place. I was negative all the time. Felt completely stuck in my job, in my apartment. Completely ruled by commutes, paychecks and cubicles. It was horrible. I cried a lot. I slept a lot. I picked fights with Mike a lot. When people (read: Mike and my mom) try to tell my positive things, it's like they are speaking Russian, I just can't understand.

Usually when I go into my Dark Place I want to cut my hair. Last October, I did. I spent two years growing out my hair for the wedding, and in October, I decided that my hair looked like Cocker Spaniel ears (and it did),

and I felt more like myself with short hair (sometimes I do).

Instead of getting a new style, or trying something a little less drastic, I cut about 4.5in off my hair. I was pleased, at first. Now, I just have short hair. And that's annoying. And the wedding is in two months.

However, around October I also made the conscious decision to dispel negativity! To have a rosier outlook! To look for the good in every person and every situation! To stop picking at Mike! And it worked. By just making the decision, I felt a million times better. Plus, the time in our little prison of an apartment was coming to an end, and I felt like soon I would find a more fulfilling job.

How the mighty have fallen! Here I am, back in my Dark Place. I feel completely STUCK. What we can and and can't do is based on our paychecks and our bills.
Our paychecks are determined by the time we spend at our jobs. Coming home at night I'm completely exhausted from work and from my 1.5 hour commute, and all the cool things I want to do are completely shut out of my mind. We can't get a house anymore because we don't have the money to support monthly payments. I can't find another job, because other jobs don't really exist currently!

I got accepted to Roosevelt. Which is cool. But at the same time I'm just piling up MORE debt. And once I graduate from the program, am I going to find a job? Probably not! Last year 18% of graduates with an Elementary Ed degree got jobs. Teachers are being laid off left and right in my area. Spectacular. Add $30K+ to our debt pile, then subtract the possibility of employment, and you end up with my Dark Place.

Not to mention, living in my parents' house is starting to drive me insane. My parents are great, and so accommodating, but Mike, and Maddie (little dog) and I have to essentially live in a tiny room. Our stuff is EVERYWHERE. We have no choice as far as what to eat. If we decide to lay around, we look like lazy freeloaders. We need to get out. BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD IT. The Dark Place has no sunshine.

I can't find a job closer to home. I can't find a job. Period.
I work in the sales department. I am officially an Administrative Assistant, but have been given the unofficial title of Project Coordinator. I don't coordinate any projects. I interviewed for two sales positions, but was rejected because I don't have enough experience in sales. Granted, I don't WANT to be in sales, but I would hope that I would seem QUALIFIED to do it. I'm qualified to be an administrative assistant. That's it. I used to think I was qualified for working in Higher Ed. But the longer I stay here, and away from higher ed, the less relevant my experience becomes, ESPECIALLY because it was a student job.

The only thing I have to look forward to currently is getting married, and our honeymoon. Not the wedding, I'm terrified of the wedding. Plus it's a money suck and a lot of time and energy and attention and talking to strangers about things I don't really care about.

Welcome to the Dark Place.


  1. Cheer up Shley. You'll pull out of it. I had a mental breakdown a few Sundays ago where I felt like I was a stranger in my own skin, the world was closing in on me and that we were never going to get a house. My feeling of self worth was non-existent because I had no friends of my own and no job. It is hard. Just know that you're not alone in your feelings. If you ever want to talk or just get out for a bit, know that I'm around. Hang in there.

  2. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. *hugs*



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